How To Break Trauma Bonding Some Important Ways
Introduction Of How To Break Trauma Bonding Some Important Ways
How To Break Trauma Bonding Some Important Ways. That perspective to take a step back and go okay the every a lot of women that I’m dating and a lot of women that I date seem to be in the middle of going through something maybe they’ve got PTSD maybe they have unhealed trauma maybe they have um uh you know a bad family life a bad childhood life so we become aware we start asking ourselves a question exactly and then number two is forgiveness, yes number two is forgiving yourself and others this also means releasing shame and releasing guilt so shame is I am something wrong when you feel it inside of you and guilt is I did something wrong.
Wherefrom childhood where you might have had a toxic family
When you feel as though you did something wrong to someone or someone else or yourself so in order, to now I want to be clear on this one guy too because a lot of people think like oh my god if I forgive someone then I’m going to wind up getting hurt again no that’s not that I’m giving away my power yes or I give my away from my power if I say I’m sorry or forgive or you’re forgiven not at all forgiveness does is it releases the hold that that person has over you that’s it so let’s say that um you’re still repeating patterns um where from childhood where you might have had a toxic family or you might have an alcoholic in the home and all of a sudden you keep dating alcoholics this is something that.
We need to go back to the root of where it is and let’s say forgive your parent and forgive the alcoholic parent forgive the parent that wasn’t there for you um one way that you could do this guy is a forgiveness letter, uh you can write down everything that you needed from that person get it all out all the venom all the hate all the anger because what’s happening too is that we’re taking that and we’re putting that onto the relationship all of that baggage we’re bringing it to and sometimes when your partner is triggering you and going into those like PTSD moments or triggered moments we’re lashing out at that person and getting angry so write a letter to the parent that.
What it where it is it could be a past relationship
You know the root of what it where it is it could be a past relationship or a past parent write it out writing out all the things that you needed I needed to feel loved I needed to feel safe I needed to feel enough and then you’re gonna burn it you’re not gonna send it to him at the end you’re gonna write um I know that you did the best you could with what you had at that moment just like I’m doing the best that I can with what I have at this moment I forgive you and I release you and then you’re gonna burn it don’t send it to him just burn it that’s a way of releasing the energy that person has over you and then you can start the healing process so that you’re not carrying that shame and that guilt over into the all of your relationships, yeah and part of that a big one is forgiving yourself because remember.
That relationship is our biggest lessons I think in life besides you know relationships in general besides just loving relationships romantic relationships it could be our relationships with our children our relationships with our family these relationships are the biggest drivers of our life because they give us the most lessons it’s about how do we show up. After all, I feel and just in general from my years of coaching that relationships empower you to become a better person or stay stuck so it’s really important that not only like Natalie is saying to do the forgiveness on others but to do it on yourself because even if you cheated even if you did something wrong even.
If you messed up in the relationship the more energy that you create to carry the shame or guilt is going to make you stay stuck but the more you’re going to feel less empowered the more you’re not going to be able to get over your lessons the more you’re not going to be able to give your lessons but the less you’re going to be able to get over this relationship and the fewer lessons you’re going to learn so it’s really about forgiving yourself so you do have that art of letting go because remember just because someone did something to you in the past doesn’t mean that they’ll probably do it to someone else depending if they heal or not so this is up to you.
You want to be that same person
So do you want to be that same person if you didn’t mess up in a relationship and you have a lot of guilt do you want to be that same person I always ask and if you say no then it’s time to recognize what you did why you did it and forgive yourself as well as the other person in the relationship because it takes more energy to hang on to anger and doubt than it does to let go and forgive that’s for sure you have a clear conscience so number three goes into this as well as recognizing your patterns right so recognizing where the patterns are linked from so, for example, um we had I had a client of mine he was raised in a household without a father and he always wanted to get acceptance from his mother right.
So he chose women that were perfect in his eyes where he was seeking acceptance for women but he was like none of these women are really like my mother was amazing but you know I she was good she was caring she always wanted me to do this and she wanted me to become a doctor she wanted me to do this she had a lot of expectations for her son so I continue to talk to him about his childhood relationships and it doesn’t mean that these women were putting pressure because he was like no these women that I’m dating are not like my mother and I said okay well hold on one second so these women that you’re dating you feel like.
They’re too good for you right there were models they were all these he would always date models and like these women that he thought that were too good for him subconsciously because he didn’t know this yet right and I said he was like yeah so why do you feel like they’re too good for you I don’t know well because they’re models and a lot of guys want them they have a lot of men and I just find myself always feeling like like they’re not gonna choose me at the end like not gonna marry me and things like that okay so why do you choose these women to let’s see how this is linked to your upbringing right well it’s not linked to my upbringing he says okay well.
Let’s think about this your mother wanted
Let’s think about this your mother wanted you to become a doctor did you no okay and how did that turn out he told me so would it be safe to say that you’re seeking approval from your mother your whole life and maybe until now and he stopped and he was like wow that makes so much sense so it comes in different patterns it doesn’t mean because your mom was an alcoholic or my dad was an alcoholic that I’m going to attract an alcoholic man it doesn’t mean maybe I’ll attract an unavailable man yeah because my man my upbringing my dad wasn’t available right or same vice versa even with a mother so it’s about recognizing the patterns a lot of times.
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We’re like oh I’m not attracting a pattern because this woman is not an alcoholic but my mom was but she’s is she unavailable guys this is a really important one because it’s not about oh well this woman doesn’t look like or sound like my mother or father so I can’t possibly be it it’s actually what were the emotions and what were you taking in as a kid and then what are we attracting that’s familiar so as a kid if it was familiar for you to shut down to isolate and to seclude yourself and to diminish and like just fix other people and hide your hide yourself and not like uh speak up um know your worth and it was that’s just.
It’s a familiar thing to just kind of like a recluse and isolate then we’re gonna wind up looking for people we’re going to attract in and get attracted to until we heal that people who make you feel that way and it can come in different shape sizes and um and for occupations, yeah it can come in different ways but it’s how you feel and then that’s how we that’s how we’re it’s part of the trauma so that’s why when we’re with someone and we’re attracting that in and that another person has their toxicity that they haven’t healed from you guys relate and you guys connect and you’re like wow this person gets me I can look into their eyes and I feel like no one else has gotten me like this person has gotten anyone yeah when you guys are starting to say that again that also leads back into awareness.
You’re starting to look at someone and you’ve divulged
If you’re starting to look at someone and you’ve divulged all of your stuff you’ve been like oh when I was a kid this happened to me and all of a sudden she’s telling you about all the bad things and the trauma stuff that happened in her life and like wow I can I feel so safe with her I can tell her anything the thing is is that it’s because we have unhealed trauma on both sides and because the other person and it’s a beautiful thing too you’re now able to recognize and pull it up like oh I have these things from my past and this is when the real shifts begin exactly so instead of fixing your partner when those things up when it gets pulled up you want you to turn and fix yourself instead and so here’s the thing guys too is that.
The mirrors yes spot the mirrors it’s not you can still have a healthy relationship if two people are trauma bonding it can happen in friendships it can happen in relationships it can happen all over you just want to make sure that you don’t start fixing the other person because you see yourself and the other person so much that oftentimes will try and like fix them because if you heal them it’s like healing yourself it’s like healing your childhood and we don’t want to do that because one woman hates to be fixed yep we don’t like feeling like someone’s trying to fix us because we’re not you know Ikea furniture we’re a human being the other thing too is that it could lead to severe codependency and with trauma bonding it can lead to severe toxic codependency.
This can wind up causing psychological damage
This can wind up causing psychological damage and continuing the abuse by accident because you guys would start triggering each other so go inward and start working on how you heal yourself which is um one of the main things that I love talking about is inner child healing yep exactly and guys these tips are so so valuable this is something that you can take home and listen to one repeat and do it again and again and try to this if especially if this speaks to you.
I would encourage you to listen to this more than once and spot the mirrors if you need help though with you taking this little step further book a coaching session with Natalie or me but what I will say is Natalie does specialize in trauma bonding PTSD addiction and a lot of the things that we’re talking about in today’s video I would encourage you to step forward if you need some help and book a coaching session as well also too I do have something for you it’s called the break free of codependency product.